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Besides the birth of my 3 kids, getting sober has been my best decision.
If you’re not sober and reading this, then know you can do this even if you believe you can’t. I used to drink like a man. (Is that a jab? Sorry if you feel it is) Before I had kids I did a ton of cocaine and pills. I can’t even name all the pills I’ve swallowed or snorted. It’s too many to count. I’ve been roofied before and the only reason I know that is because I have a high tolerance for drugs. (I woke up in the middle of surgery once, but that’s a whole other story) and I felt woozy and before it did any damage I went to the bathroom and locked myself in there and with all my might stayed awake but fucking high out of my mind.
Have you done a drug that you wanted to feel so bad that you wouldn’t allow yourself to fall asleep? You were determined to feel that shit. Well, this is what I did but I did it knowing that someone was trying to do some shit to me. I must have had an angel looking over me that day or even the devil because I didn’t get sober then and he or it had some more work to do on me. If I recall from that time which was probably around 2009, I didn’t get sober until almost 10 years later which is 2018.
Now that I think about it, I had an angel and a devil on me because the devil was trying to bring me down and be a shit human that didn’t contribute to the world in any positive way, and the angel was knocking on my light deeply hidden pieces.
This idea could explain everyone’s cognitive dissonance. Mmm Food for thought eh!
I know for me I always had an internal battle and one part of drugs was to shut that part off. Or at least that’s what I believed I was doing. Having been sober almost 4 years now, or at least 4 years since typing this post, I can see with clarity that all the reasons I drank or did drugs were just a huge ass lie. And I mean Becky with big butt, Nicki Minaj Anaconda butt.
I liked to say, “I’m not an addict, I just like to have fun” or “I don’t do it all the time”, or here’s the best lie, “I have full control”.
Haha! Those statements are laughable and anyone who tells you this is a liar. They’re mostly lying to themselves. Most of us did or are still doing it because we don’t want to be honest with ourselves and answer why we’re doing this shit to our bodies and mind.
TRAUMA
Trauma is usually the problem if you were turned as a child or even an older teen or adult that went through some extreme abuse from family or a relationship and you turned to drugs instead of dealing with it. I’m the product of being a child led into addiction. I didn’t understand what drugs were and what they would do to my mind and body. So, I got hooked at a young age and then everyone did new stuff, therefore I did new stuff. The list kept getting longer and the trauma just kept getting longer too.
I can’t unpack all that in one post. That would most likely be a whole book. I’ll sprinkle in all the deets through multiple posts though. This post is mostly to intro when I got sober and a little of my story.
If you’ve read the Who? Me! page then you know my sober date is….
Drop yours in the comments below.
I can recall the details of my choice like a movie picture playing in my mind. At that time I didn’t have JJ. My girls were 2 and 3 I think. (LOL that part I can’t remember unless I have a calculator to do some math.
I was sitting in my chair drinking a beer as I did every day watching my girls play on the floor with no care in the world, just enjoying the moment. Filled with joy and happiness. As I’m watching them it’s like I had this vision or epiphany, or premonition, whatever you want to call it. DEVINE INTERVENTION – that angle that’s been on my shoulder trying to wake me out of my sleep that the devil has put me under through all the drugs, alcohol, and just following what I’ve been told with absolutely no challenge.
( I know some people will have an issue with my terminology or the use of ANGEL, DEVIL, DEVINE and so on but, instead of getting all triggered and immediately rolling your eyes thinking, ” I don’t believe in that shit” just change the damn words to overwatch, evildoer, or something. Get creative though!)
Now back to it. LOL
I didn’t challenge anything and I didn’t allow myself to process any feelings about the past events that I was trying to bury. And there are so many and I will dive into those. IDK if I will do all because some are just too much and I don’t want to air others’ dirty laundry at the same time.
Anyways, I had this vision of my future and I was 40 years old and my life was in shambles, I was ill over all the damage and I was given an option that I never wanted before. I turned that voice off and lied and said I didn’t have a problem, everyone else did.
I snapped out of it and believed this voice in my head and stopped drinking. I didn’t announce it or anything because I didn’t want to be talked out of it or hit with people’s opinions or advice. I had a plan in my head for how I was going to get and stay sober.
Journaling was my first step ( I still journal all the time – this is me, journaling, just live for the world or just those that read this. Hell, I could be typing for ether with just AI’s reading LOL)
OK! off topic again.
3 months later I found out I was pregnant with my son JJ. I am high risk so I was a hot mess in the beginning. I’ve lost some and almost died from some. I am not a good pregnant woman. My body doesn’t like it. His pregnancy was my best though. I never felt so “normal” in my life.
I felt on top of the world.
During my second pregnancy, I was very depressed and my drinking got worse.
But back to JJ’s pregnancy. When I had JJ I was still feeling amazing.
I was on a pink cloud for 2 years. I was eating right, meditating, exercising, and doing all the things.
I was still going through the mood issues even though I was mostly happy. Still had severe anxiety, especially around people who were eternalizing their emotions. And this was at the beginning of COVID so the energy everywhere was very tense. The riots from the racial divide and the political confuckery were ridiculous and people were losing their shit over someone else’s behavior, which was dumb as shit to me. One of the sayings in sobriety is the Serenity prayer and it says on one part to focus on the things that you can and don’t worry about the things you can’t and hopefully, you’ll know the difference. That’s just a remix but you get it. Behavior, words, and personality is not your concern and shouldn’t make you react in such a vile manner.
Wait, I’m off topic again. LOL
By the time I hit 2 and a half years sober my pink cloud was evaporating and I felt like I was evaporating as well. I was on the edge. I wanted to run away yet again from my problems. But this time it wasn’t external past problems. It was internal brain problems. My moods were uncontrollable, I was mostly paralyzed even though I wanted to get up and do so much. I bought my kids a tablet and let them just be on it because I couldn’t function.
I was diving deeper into this bubble of feeling like I’m being controlled by something else and I desperately want to be let out.
I was against therapy, and brain drugs because I had this belief that drugs were the lazy way out, like everyone tells me, food and exercise are all you need. It’s a cure-all. But it wasn’t. I was losing my shit and needed help.
One day I kept getting another voice or angel knocking on my brain saying, “bitch you better make an appointment with a therapist asap before you go drink.
Many times I’ve been sitting in the parking lot of 7-11 to go in and buy beer and smokes. Thankfully I never did and went home with all the feels and anxiety. Crying every single day for getting mad at nothing and everything.
Anyways, this is turning into a mega-long post. I saw a therapist CBT, which is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It did help and I did that for 9 months but nothing really changed the mood issues and focus was impossible. I was still mad or sad or irritated and overwhelmed and had major sensory overload on a daily. I wanted to be alone with no one touching me.
So, I get sent to a psychiatrist to be evaluated for bipolar, ADHD, and depression.
Hit almost all markers for ADHD, anxiety disorder, and mood disorder.
Started Adderall, mood meds, and anxiety meds. and within a month I felt like I did when I was pregnant with my son.
I could function, I could listen and not snap, and I could get things done that I couldn’t before. I started homeschooling like I wanted to. I got my kids off the tablets for the most part. We still use them for learning and playing some games together.
Now here I am 4 years sober after a year of taking my meds and I’ve been able to control my mood and rummage through my mind without losing the thought because I have a million others trying to get to the tip of my tongue too.
My, story started here but it is far from over.
Also, my beliefs have changed and grown into something that I never thought would change because I believed that those were stone and never changing like the bible or the pages in a novel.
When I learned to listen and research and read ( I used to hate reading) my mind grew into something I’ve never really felt confident in.
I’ve never felt intelligent either, especially being viewed as a dumb blonde. (Yes! I used to be blond. I actually had almost white hair as a kid.) I’ll be dying it back sometime soon actually.
My point of this long-ass chapter of a book is to know that if you’re sober or thinking of being sober, there is no one way to get and stay sober. If it’s GOD then so be it, if it’s MAT or Suboxone, or other medication then so be it. If it’s strictly diet and exercise and that works for you then so be it.
I’ve named this blog My Sober journey because Sobriety, Motherhood, Political beliefs, and life, in general, has no one journey that needs to be followed. It definitely doesn’t have to be down a specific branch of a tree. For instance, politics is high on everyone’s minds and screens and most people are Democrats or Republicans and I don’t think in those linear terms or ideas. I’m a mix of everything. I follow what suits my soul and what is ideologically the truth, facts, or common sense really.
I love it all. I’m a jack of all trades and get bored easily and I think that may have something to do with my openness to many things because I start many things. I’ve never really given anything up I’ve kept most of them as hobbies.
However, writing and creative things like this, drawing, building, and helping people, especially with sobriety. I can do them and wouldn’t care if I were never paid for any of them.
Getting sober is worth it. Me and millions of people are proof of that. You can be too.
Don’t be paralyzed by fear or the what if’s, and just get started, if you haven’t already.
If you have questions or need help with finding sober living places then please email me or find Facebook groups that will most likely have much of the details on hand. I will post the national website link below so you can easily find help in your area and talk to someone there that could also help.
Oh, boy that was a lot and I’m sorry! lol. But it’s all worth it if this helps just one person. If it helped you share it so it can help someone else too.
Stay Weird!
See you on the next train wreck
Tuesday
XOXO
Here is the website for national drug addiction help: